Fresh Kills for Dexter’s Table

10 Kills for Dexter's Table

A new season of Dexter means that our beloved serial killer needs some fresh meat to take to his table. Here are some people that should appear on the new season.

1. LeBron James- Tired of his posturing and display of arrogance all over Miami — even after losing the NBA Finals — Dexter decides to teach the “Chosen One” a lesson in humility. A lesson that will not be put in to practice, since Dexter, you know,  kills everyone on his table.

casey anthony2. Casey Anthony- Everyone knows that Dexter abides by his own code. After losing his wife and basically his own children, Dexter decides to take his anger out about the Anthony verdict on the defendant. Would she take the money to appear on the show? Maybe.

Charlie Sheen3. Charlie Sheen- That weekend trip to Miami will be even more restful than Sheen planned. Because it will be eternal after Dexter injects Sheen in the neck as he’s leaving a Miami nightclub. As Sheen wakes up on the table, Dexter tells him that he is no longer ‘winning’. Or breathing.

Chad Ochocinco 4. Chad Ochocinco- Tired of his incessant, nonsensical tweets, challenging MMA fighters and worst of all — joining the Patriots — it’s a needle to the neck for Ochocinco as he wanders around Miami tweeting from his phone after a Pats/Dolphins game.

Kate Gosselin5. Kate Gosselin- Dexter usually places pictures of his victim’s victims all around the table to show them why he is about to thrust a knife into their chest. That can’t happen here, because Kate killed millions of viewers eyes with her dancing, and millions of ears with her whining on TV. Kate wakes up on the table and immediately blames Jon.

Larry King6. Larry King- It’s just time already, isn’t it? Babbling something about how he loved “Six Feet Under”, Larry King won’t go down easy. Turns out he’s immortal and goes to do a guest role on “True Blood”.

Octomom Nadya Suleman7. Octomom Nadya Suleman - The producers decide that things are getting a bit stale with Dexter, so they do a “Viewer’s Choice” poll on the website. Since the Casey Anthony episode already aired, the Octomom is the pick. She wakes up on the table and doesn’t ask about her kids; she merely asks if she is being paid for this.

Toddlers & Tiaras8. Parents of kids on “Toddlers and Tiaras”- Dexter knows full well that a messed-up childhood can be detrimental. He stops by a local pageant and starts nabbing parents one by one and dragging them back to his hotel room. No one notices because they are all barking out instructions to two-year olds in glitzy dresses.

Steven Tyler9. Steven Tyler- Believe it or not, Dexter is a huge fan of “American Idol”. But he can’t handle the inane comments of Tyler. Week after week of “Nice job”, “Good goin’” and “I really liked it” forces Dexter to attend an Idol tryout in Miami. No one really cares when Tyler goes missing, except Kara Dioguardi.

Dexter Morgan10. Dexter- Unable to live with himself after everything that he is done, Dexter starts unraveling. He decides to be his own last victim. He prepares the kill room with photos of all the people he’s offed. He slams the knife into his chest and that’s how the show ends. Millions of people cancel Showtime.

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2 Responses to “Fresh Kills for Dexter’s Table”

  1. Max Peck says:


    Rest of the Jersey Shore cast… c’mon that will be a complete (and fulfilling) season.

    Just saying…

  2. [...] in history, and you can’t fault the writers for the current dearth of ideas. I wrote about how Dexter should end a while back, so maybe they could go that route. It’s never too late for laughs, right? [...]

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